For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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