Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
