I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
try to milk me bitch
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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