Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
