i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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