Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
