I just pynch a tree in the face
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
