She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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