Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
