Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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