How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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