Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
