now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
