the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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