Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize