I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
