making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
