I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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