I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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