Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
