Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize