you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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