Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
