So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
