I'm really into asian looking animals
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
