Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
