I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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