i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
