i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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