His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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