I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
