I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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