Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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