I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
BRING THE BAGELS
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
