Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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