Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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