i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
