theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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