In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
