Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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