Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
