he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
