What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
