I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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