I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
