At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
