Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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