Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
