You're so nebulous sometimes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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