I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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