They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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