you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
