Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize