There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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