ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
