you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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